


My Journal

by Purplemoon153



Series: Diaries of Youtubers [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bullied Dan Howell, Child Neglect, Cutting, Diary/Journal, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Sad, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-07-29 22:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 5,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16274072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplemoon153/pseuds/Purplemoon153
Summary: Dan documents his life. From school to his home life, he is neglected. Will he find, his way out of the invisible life he leads? Or will he make a drastic decision to end it all. Find out in "My Journal"Trigger Warning: self harm, abuse, and starvationThis is part of the same world as "Dear Diary" so fair warning, it has a Soulmate Au.





	1. Chapter 1

So I guess I should write in this. My parents actually got me something for once. I guess I should introduce myself to you. Hi, my name is Dan. I am 17, I think. My parents ignore my existence. So much that I have forgotten when my own goddamn birthday is. Pathetic right? Well, what can one do. I only one more year roughly until I can escape from my current circumstances. I apologize for dumping all my problems on you, I just needed to vent. Wait, why am I apologizing to a book of blank pages.  
My parents' fuck up, Daniel Howell.


	2. 2

Where should I start. Well how about this morning. School just started again, I am mostly ignored. I occasionally am bullied, but not like this one kid, I think his name is Matthew Patrick. This year school is focusing on soulmates, but I am only seventeen and won't turn eighteen until summer, I am a bit excited for that. 

Right the morning, well by the time I woke up to my alarm at seven my parents had already gone out for the day. The fridge was mostly empty as was the pantry, but I found a couple of eggs. Score! Parents need to go shopping, they go out quite a bit. They forget about me and don't take me, so I almost always fix myself meals. Last time this happened I survived on condiments and old lemons, disgusting I know. I can't get to the shop, considering I don't have a car available to me. I am also poor as shit. So yeah, also school is a thing, that wasn't to bad and you know they have decent enough lunches there. Dinner was a bitch though. The lemons are now gone and I don't feel the best, I have a feeling that they were moldy. Anyway, so yeah that was my shit ass day. I'll try to write tomorrow.

Starving ass teenager, Daniel Howell.


	3. 3

I hate my family. My younger brother is the apple of my parents eyes. It makes sense, he is smart, athletic, and participates in a shit ton of extracurricular activities. I am just a disappointment. I was just a mistake, they planned Aaron. He is a well liked and pleasant kid. He could very well be the most popular kid in school. Then there's me a relatively average child who is regularly ignored and/or bullied. 

They all ignore me, it is like I'm just a shadow to them. I am rarely communicated with, and that is not for lack of trying. Up until I was thirteen I tried, and yet they still did not acknowledge my presence. They haven't filled my lunch account since year four. If I sit at the table for dinner, then I will get a small portion and get ignored for the rest of the meal, unless I try to get more food. Then I'll get a slap on the wrist and sent to my room. It is not surprising that I look like a bean stalk. 

The weekends though, are the worst, Aaron likes to spend time at parties over the few days off, so I am left alone with my parents. They would never do any thing in front of him, but once he is gone, and they get drunk, all action is thrown to the wind. At least I know that I'm safe once Monday rolls around.

A tortured soul, Daniel Howell.


	4. 4

So, maybe I should actually write about my day for once. So today was a school day which was good, less time at home, and Aaron was home as well. That means no drunk parents. Yeah, a little depressing isn't it. Anyway, a new student was introduced I believe his name was Nate, I could be wrong though. I don't pay particularly great attention to anything. I spend a lot more time in my head. That in an of itself can be horrifying in its own regard.

If I retreat into my head, I usually end up having an existential crisis. Fun, I know, but it can be quite distracting if you are trying to do school work. Do I mean to have them? No! Do I get them all the damn time? Yes. 

Anyway, I did get a little roughed up at school. It was horrible, just small things like shoulder checks and being tripped. The usual verbal abuse that I get from the bullies was there, and stronger than ever. To be honest I probably deserved it. I know I deserve far more and Matthew Patrick ever does. Seriously, what did he ever do to anyone. I didn't see him today. 

Oh, right also a student switched classes and ended in mine. His name is Philip. He seems nice enough. He ended up having to sit by me cause there are literally no people remotely close to me. Everyone ignores me it seems.

The actual invisible boy, Daniel Howell.


	5. 5

Phil Lester is an absolute ball of sunshine. Does he notice me? Probably not he hasn't talked to me or anything. I just being around him is enough. I hope that I don't bring him down. That would just be horrible, of course I would feel horribly guilty about it. 

I should mention that the verbal assault is getting worse and worse. Multiple times a day I am told to go die or to kill myself. Honestly I don't know how Matthew is alive. That kid is an inspiration, and yet I am to afraid to go help him. I am just a stupid cowardly son of a bitch. That's me Dan, the worst human to exist. Everyone knows that I am awful, that is why I am neglected. 

I have recently read a study on the benefits of physical contact and it seems like a load of bullshit to me. Seriously, 'touch starvation' like that is an actual thing. I myself haven't been touch in a number of years, probably because I am too horrid to touch. I can get behind that. I wouldn't even want to even be in the same area as me if I could help it. Alas, I can't because I am me.

Today while doing the washing up I accidentally cut my arm a bit on a knife. It kind of felt...nice? Anyway, I guess I should do my homework.

A disappointing child and student and overall person, Daniel Howell.


	6. 6

Do you wanna hear about my day? No? Well you're going to hear about it anyway. It's not like this journal can even complain. It is an inanimate object for fucks sake. Anyways about my day.  
It started off fine, it never actually starts good, so I take what I can get. That was moldy pleasant. Then the day started going down a slippery slope. After I finished getting ready for school I noticed that nobody was in the house but me. Did I wake up late? No. I guess they just up and left me so there was nothing for breakfast ready, I grabbed an apple for my meal of they day. Then I saw that there was a lot of washing up to do. So I did that then rushed out my door to head to school. Unfortunately on my way out the door I forgot my old, well worn, too small, jacket. I froze my ass off.  
When I actually made it too school, I was assaulted with insults as soon as I walked in the door. Although that wasn't surprising. The bullies were getting bolder. When I made to my locker out of the corner of my eye I saw Matthew Patrick being shoved in his locker, again. It really wasn't fair, after the bullies left I let a janitor know. Then it was time for class. Phil freaking Lester, was a ray of sunshine, and then we were assigned to do work with partners.   
My pre-determined partner was Phillip Lester. I seriously could get any luckier. It was a simple worksheet, and we finished before class ended, but just being around and talking to Phil was enough. Of course I made a fool of myself. I wouldn't be Dan if I didn't. I accidentally fell over, like the tall clumsy log of a man I am. Phil just softly laughed however.   
After school is where the real nightmare began. I ended up on the pavement just outside of the school beaten black and blue. It must have been an hour after the bullies attacked me before I could bring myself to stand up. My head was aching and my ears were still ringing from the names I was called. The cement below had a red tinge to it by the time I got up. One of my assailants had a bleeding knife. He stuck me up quite good. It was a little disconcerting, that they were so invested in hurting someone to actually bring a goddamn knife. I wonder if they did the same to Mat. I wonder if they were so aggressive because I helped him out a bit. That makes a lot of sense actually. They literally brought a knife to my throat, because I gave a bit of kindness to their punching bag.  
I saw a lock of lime green hair closer to the entrance of the school went I went to retrieve my things from my locker. While I was opening up the door I noticed that my fingers were a bluish purple. That was probably because of the cold. Stupid rushed Dan, not remembering to bring a fucking jacket.   
When I actually made it home, none of my family members acknowledged my presence, and I went up to my room. The little loft that I consider my space. Everyone else in this house lives on the main floor. No one will ever come into my little room. While it is cozy, being 6'3 is very annoying when you are taller that then height of your room.   
I didn't eat any dinner. That is okay, I could probably lose some of my pudge. I sank into my bed and grabbed my phone, soon I was in what I refer to as my "browsing position" the way I lounge while scrolling on tumblr or watch YouTube videos. I actually have been looking for a new channel to watch. Hopefully I will find someone new to watch. That was my day I guess. Not particularly fun. Maybe I deserve the hand life felt me. I have parents that is better than some right? I also have the internet, and I am way more privileged than some so I should stop complaining and suck it up. Man, maybe I should just stop trying to be a somebody and accept that anything I do will be meaningless in the long run. I'll be here for a few years, die, and within a century nobody will remember me. So why even try?   
An utterly useless fanboy, Daniel Howell.

Subscribe to Pewdiepie!!! (I mean it do it!)


	7. 7

Fuck my my life. I wish I was dead. I mean it I wish I was fucking dead. My life is shit. Why do I even try. My parents have told me that as soon as I turn eighteen then I will be disowned and kicked out. I knew that they didn't give a shit about me but really? They literally hate my guts. I guess I would to in their position, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell, but I never was anything more than a mistake. A stupid goddamn mistake that they are trying to erase. My death wouldn't be anymore tragic than them squashing a moth. 

School is better than home at this point. I think I get beat up more at home by my drunken parents. I was beat up pretty good today, but it wasn't that bad. 

We actually got a foreign exchange student from Ireland. I think he is staying with the school's golden boy, Mark Fischbach. He actually is a pleasant guy, but his friends are questionable. The Irish kid is small, but very feisty. I believe he goes by Jack. 

Me and Phil were put together as partners again for a project. It was in drama so it was a video project. That means doing work out of school. I don't think it should pose a as long as it isn't at the house where my blood relatives live. He seemed okay doing it at his house. It should be good.

I have begun cutting myself. It started by accident while doing the washing up and it became addictive. The replacement of mental pain with physical pain. I know that it is bad, but I just can't stop. I should try, but I don't have the motivation to.

A self harming freak, Daniel Howell


	8. 8

The film project assigned in drama has to be a comedy. How on earth is this supposed to work? I really hope that Phil is really hilarious. It is due in a couple of weeks. So no pressure now, but I will procrastinate until the absolute last minute.

The rest of school is kind of shit, not gonna lie. The bullies are getting more bold. I saw Matthew Patrick beat up, then shoved into a locker. I hope he finds his soulmate. Jack was also beat up pretty bad. I wonder if that lock of green hair I found a bit ago was his? 

My own problems involve me trying to be shoved in a locker. I fit in...barely. I don't know if they thought that putting an over six foot man in a locker would be easy, or what, but it was a struggle. Like seriously who would be like, 'Yeah let's stick the really tall one in there.' I also was called quite a lot of names, someone also thought that I was a really tall lesbian. You can't look like a sexuality. They must be confused.

Home life is getting pretty bad. I do think that they actually hate me. They have taken to beating me while they are sober, whenever Aaron is not around that is. Last weekend after a particularly brutal session I was locked in my room for a few days without food or drink. By the time they let me out I was starving and thinner than I think is healthy. Nobody has commented on it, which just goes to show how many people care about me.

I don't deserve love anyway. I am just a fucking waste of space. My cutting habit is getting bad, like really bad. Last weekend I almost passed out from blood loss. I don't feel like doing anything about it though. I might only stay on this earth until after the project as not to upset Phil. He deserves to get a good grade. He also deserves a better partner to do the project with. I just want to die. To die would be better than living honestly. Who would miss me? My family? No. My friends? Like I have any. My teachers? All I am is another student who they couldn't care less about. In a few weeks after the project is turned in then I will end it all. The plan right now is to jump off of the school roof on the same day the video project will be turned in, after absolutely everyone has left. Until then I might start dropping hints to see if anyone notices. They probably won't until after the fact. Nobody ever does. 

My death date will be November 16th.

A suicidal man with a goddamn plan, Daniel Howell.


	9. 9

Well it's been a week. One whole goddamn week. A fortnight left to go until the project is due and I die. I have spent a bit of time planning for death and for the project. I've been dropping hints a bit. Nobody has noticed at all. 

It isn't like my family would give a fuck. The people at school also are ignorant douche nozzles. Matt was limping around school today, I really hope he is okay. My bullies decided to do more to me, but are backing off of some others. I guess that people who care about them have told them off. Jack is no longer even being touched. I think that Mark found out and is now protecting the Irish green haired boy. He deserves all the love, you can see a slight hint of pain in his eyes. Matthew Patrick the biggest bully magnet has been treated better which is good. He should probably be protected by literally everyone in this whole hell hole of a school. He doesn't look so dead inside, I hope that life significantly improves for him. 

The Howell's have decided that I am their slave boy. I do all the chores. If I don't perform them perfectly then I will end up in so much pain it is hard to move. I haven't breached the topic of the drama project with Phil. I might have to sneak out in order to finish it with him. I might end up almost dead on the floor but Phil, should get a good grade even if his partner is a piece of shit.

I cut so much. There isn't a day I don't now. I often end up with over fifty cuts all over. I started on my wrists, but now they are on my thighs, stomach, and calves. I might actually cut myself to death before the planned date.

A fucking slave, Daniel Howell.


	10. 10

We have been working on the project. It is a gaming montage with some funny banter. There is so far a good mixture of games from things like Can You Pet to The Sims 4. It is going good. I said that I would do a lot of the editing. I'm about halfway through my portion the project is due in three days. So I'll finish it up soon, and send the finished product to Phil. I had to be sneaky. My parents didn't like it is a mild way of saying it. I was beaten black and blue. My ankle was twisted and the other leg broke. School the next day was a bitch. The entire day was agony. 

The bullies thought that this was a sign of weakness when I was limping slightly and decided to beat me up and shout verbal abuse at me. They kicked my legs quite a bit. It was almost impossible to continue that school day, but school is better than home. I've been dropping hints for over a couple of weeks and no one gives a shit. The plan will commence in three days. I am so fucking ready. 

Matthew Patrick is dead. It was announced this morning, we held an assembly this afternoon. I cried so fucking hard. Many people were doing the same. Nathan Sharp was balling his eyes out, and I don't blame him. Matthew was his soulmate and he didn't even save him from the bullies who ended up sending him to the hospital where he died. I just wish that I had done more for him. After the mourning assembly, the boys who were his bullies looked shell shocked. Everyone was very solemn today. I do feel that it was well warranted.

I have tried to cut down on how much I self harm. It has been hard. I really do want to die the way I planned, so I have been practicing self control. I wonder if the school will mourn my death or just forget that I existed. The only person I think will remember is Phil Lester and only because we did a project together.

A dead boy walking, Daniel Howell.


	11. 11

It was the day that the project had been presented. Dan and Phil's went over quite well. They got an A which pleased Dan. He was just good enough to not bring down Phil's grade. 

Just after school Dan escaped up to the school roof. He was probably up there for a couple hours until he was sure that everyone had left. It was time. 

He stepped up to the edge of the building, and looked over. The sight was quite dizzying. Tearing his gaze away from below, he straightened up, tears spilling from his eyes. He was quietly crying. He put his foot out ready to step right over the edge. 

"Dan! Wait!" called a male student, "Please don't jump!" 

It was good ole Phil Lester. The young man who had been partnered up with Dan Howell. He is the one who had kept him alive as long as he could. Philly wasn't about to stop now.

Dan's head whipped around and he saw Phil. His eyes widened at the sight. Why would anyone, let alone Philip Lester, even try to save him? Poor Dan just couldn't fathom why. The silence had gone on for a couple of minutes before "Phil! W-what are y-you doing h-here?" Dan croaked out, voice shaking badly.

"To get some homework I accidentally left. Then I here a noise and went up here to see what the noise was. Then it was you," Phil rambled his adam's apple bobbing and eyes glistening with tears.

"Oh," was the only word that made it past Dan's now trembling lips.

"Why even are you here, what made you want this?" Phil asked, a few years slipping over his cheek and plopping off his chin. 

"Because, because, because I'm worthless I am just a waste of oxygen. The only thing I am good for is to clean up after the people with whom I share blood. Because I am just a bloody fuck-up who should've never been born. I am just the quite kid in the corner. Occasionally a punching bag, but most of the time not even worth the effort put into a physical assault. The drunkards who I once called my parents realized that I am a worthless piece of shit who should be disowned. Because of the fact I am a thing an object no longer a goddamn person, just something to shout abuse at. Something to ignore until it's useful. Because I am nothing. Do you understand it is because I am fucking nothing!" Dan ranted his voice growing emotionless until a burst of anger at the end. Anger at the life he led. Anger at the people who treated him this. Anger at those who just ignored him or used him. Anger at himself for not being better. For not being dead.

"That is why," Daniel finished as he turned back to face the rest of the city, "that is why I am going to jump off of this goddamn roof."

He straightened up and stepped off of the edge.


	12. 12

Time seemed to stop. Dan was and Phil lunged forward. Who would reach their end goal first. Would Dan's death wish be granted, or would Phil be the hero he wanted to be for Dan.

It was close. Phil was just a little quicker and soon he was holding Dan up by the armpits. The weight of the body in Phil's arms surprised him. Dan was very light, like concerningly light. Pulling him back up and over the roof proved to be easy enough. As soon as Dan was over Phil gripped his upper arm in case he tried to escape and jump again.

Dan was now sobbing uncontrollably and clinging to Phil. They just held each other for a good half an hour before Dan cried himself to sleep. Phil gently picked him up and carried him off of the roof and to the Lester family home. 

By the time they reached the home of Phil it was nearing midnight. Dan was still asleep. Phil cradled the smaller boy to his chest as he opened the front door to find his parents.


	13. 13

Phil's parents were at first opposed to Dan staying in their home until Phil explained what happened. Soon Phil was carrying the clearly underweight boy up to his room. afterwards Phil's parents demanded more than a "He almost died."

"So why precisely did you bring Dan here and not his house?" started Phil's mum, "and how did he almost die?" 

"He told me that he hates going to his house, and he-he was up...he was-" Phil began but then burst into tears. This quite frankly startled his parents, Phil was always so happy and bubbly. Whatever happened must've been if it was having this kind of effect on their darling son.

Phil tried to calm down so he could continue telling his parents about what had happened on the roof. He took a lot of deep breathes and counted up to ten and back down again before he was calm enough to talk.

"I went back because I forgot my homework, and I heard some footsteps on the roof as well as really faint crying. I went up on the roof to discover was up there standing on...standing on...standing on the edge," after this last bit Phil was tearing up again and hyperventilating. He was about to continue when the clock interrupted him. It was midnight.


	14. 14

The clock chimed twelve times and then all was silent. It was now January 30th, Phil's 18th birthday. When Phil looked back to his parents after glancing at the clock he saw shock plain and clear on their faces. They were looking at his uncovered arms. They were absolutely covered wrist to elbow in cuts. This startled Phil. He shook his head and looked back to his arms they were still there. The marks hadn't been there a few seconds ago, that meant one thing. The marks belonged to his soulmate. 

This broke Phil's heart. Why did they do this? IT was that very moment when the previously sleeping Dan carefully tread down the stairs to see the Lester family all staring in shock at Phil's arms. Phil's parents turned their heads once they noticed Dan's presence.

Dan slowly padded his way over to Phil and looked down. The very cuts littering his arms covered Phil's as well. 'What? How? The hell?' Dan thought examining every cut and scar now covering Phil's once unmarked arm. They all matched his own.

Phil looked up at Dan who he sensed was just over his shoulder. Dan's sleeve had rolled up a little while he was sleeping. There was a bit of bandage just poking out now. 

"Can I see your arms Dan?" Phil asked slowly not meeting the other boy's eyes. Dan thought for a bit then complied with what Phil had asked of him. He walked to the front of Phil and held out his arms. Phil gingerly rolled up Dan's sleeves to the elbow. Soon the bandages were revealed. 

Phil's parents quietly watched what their son and the boy he had brought to their home were doing. Phil's mum let out a nearly silent gasp as her son unwrapped the bandages from Dan's arms to show cuts from wrist to elbow. They exactly matched the new marks on Phil's arms.


	15. 15

Tears started to pool in both of the boys' eyes as they saw the matching marks on each others arms. Phil hugged Dan, at first Dan stiffened like a board, then relaxed into the hug. This was the first hug he had where it wasn't forced or he was to out of it to notice what happening.

While this moment was very touching, Phil's parents still wanted to know what was going on. Phil stopped hugging Dan in a few moments and made room on the couch next to him where Dan sat himself down. 

"So exactly what happened this evening?" Phil's dad asked, the first words he uttered since Phil came home with an unconscious Dan.

"I was on the school roof," Dan began, "on the edge looking down when Phil came up onto the roof."

"He was going to... to..." Phil trailed off.

"I was going to commit suicide." Dan stated plainly with absolutely no emotion, "if you don't want me here then I'll just go-"

He was cut off by Phil's mum. "No, no dear you can and will stay. I insist." Her husband agreed with a slight nod of the head. 

"Really?" both of the boys exclaimed in unison. When they noticed what they did Phil gave a huge grin while Dan looked away and blushed.

"Anyways, back to the topic at hand," Phil's dad said and the atmosphere grew somber.

"Right. So I was about to end it all when Phil yelled at me to not. I turned around and there he was. Soon after I had a bit of a rant and tried anyway. Phil saved me." Dan summarised.


	16. 16

To say that the Lester parents were flabbergasted would be an understatement. However they decided to not question it more tonight and just the pair of boys off to bed it had been a late night. After rewrapping Dan's wounds they were on their way to Phil's room.

The morning after happened to be a Saturday. Phil's parents decided to let them have a slow morning. Dan and Phil got up a bit before eleven. It was time for some answers from Dan for the entire Lester clan.

This took the better part of three hours with not a single dry eye by the end. After hearing about Dan's ordeal they tried to stuff him as full as they could. Phil's mum and Dad had agreed to do their best to gain custody of the boy who was soulmate's with their son.

Phil wholeheartedly agreed. Anything to get Dan away from those people who were supposed to be his family. In fact Phil was piping mad about those, those things who dare treat his precious Daniel that way. 

Daniel Howell in his entire life had never been treated this kindly. It was a bit to get used to, but it was nice. The atmosphere in the Lester home was so much more comforting than the one at the Howell's house. He could get comfortable here, maybe even improve his mental state.


	17. 17

It has come. Today is the day that I will officially moving with the Lesters. I have been living ever since the incident, but now I will officially be in there home, no longer a guest but a resident. 

Me and Phil are now boyfriends. It really isn't a surprise. Life has never been better. It was a real struggle to get where I am today. As of today I am one month clean of self harm. Phil is really happy about that and so are his parents. 

My "parents" have tried to apologize as well as my brother. The entire thing was ploy to try to keep me from pressing charges. Once that didn't work they tried to threaten me even my brother who I thought was just an oblivious party boy, was in on it. The threats didn't stop me from putting them away. 

My school life improved greatly while school was still in, now it is summer. I found out that my birthday in June eleventh. I found out because of the soulmate thing. The Lesters had been a bit frazzled at this. I had to explain that I didn't actually know when my birthday was, which was a bit awkward. It turned out all right though.

All in all life is the best it has ever been and it will get better. Phil and I are looking at colleges. We are thinking about going to Manchester University. Phil wants to have an English degree. I think that I'll go into video production.

Phil Lester's boyfriend, Daniel Howell.


End file.
